I replied to a spammer, let's see how far I can take this...


JFF Administrator
Staff member
So, quick intro to what this is about. I got a spam email the other day, it didn't have any links in it, etc... so I thought I'd reply back to them. I'm going to chronicle those emails here. They might be dumb, amusing, or pointless... and this might be the end if it. But... we'll see.

First email sent by this person:

From: candis.alston@wakegov.com

Your email was selected among the ten lucky people giving the opportunity of becoming rich and popular by joining the great Illuminati network for more details please contact email (newmembership@outlook.com ) for more details.
My reply(I replied to both email address, the one it was sent from and the one it told me to email, that way if the account was hacked, someone might notice)

To: candis.alston, newmembership

Hi Candis,

I just wanted to mention that the purpose of the Illuminati isn’t popularity, it is secrecy and getting things done in the shadows. So.. umm yeah… rich sounds good though. Make me filthy rich please, I sure could use the money after the tragic accident two weeks ago. I’ll never get those toes back and I miss them already. There’s just no way I can compete in the 100 meter dash now… Your email came at a time when I needed it most!

-Bob Bitcuss
Their reply:

Dear Friend,
We welcome you as one of the 10 selected members of the Illuminati. The Internet offers the means to reach an amazing number of people both quickly and easily, which is at once a blessing and a curse. Many people have at least heard of the term "Illuminati," which is good. However, because of widespread conspiracy theories, a significant portion of what they have heard about the Illuminati is correct. One of the purposes of this, is to help different persons of different status to join straight by revealing the true nature of the Illuminati.
There is significant confusion about the Joining Illuminati in two key areas. It now seems vital to clarify these two points right up front so those affected do not waste their time or ours, and to help avoid hurt feelings and bitter reactions:
1. Rich and Famous:
The Illuminati does control the entertainment industry. If instant you need fame and free money you need make ritual sacrifice of any nature. However the more sacrifice you make is the more riches and fame. make your dream come true by joining Illuminati today.
2. Religion:
Ritual sacrifice is required to join These do not involve the sharing of blood. The Illuminati is a nonreligious organization in exactly the same way that governments should be nonreligious. This calls alone all the religious believers who need extra powers and forces to join Illuminati today to make things the way you may need it to be.
There are many Illuminated groups, with different kinds of secret knowledge. Anything you might say about them (including this) will be false for some of the Illuminati, but true for others, which only adds to the confusion and mystery.

Illuminati membership candidate should fill the space below:
Full Name:
Date of birth:
Phone No:
Money worth:
Email address:
Send us a photo of you.
* You must be above 18 years of age.
* You must have full access to the internet.
* You must not discuss the secret of the Illuminati to anyone.
* We are not interested in anyone who has obtained their knowledge about the Illuminati based on what they’ve HEARD from Mass Media (News or Performing Arts), Conspiracy Theorists (Amateur or Professional Authors or Speculators), Internet Rumors, or other HERESY.
* Once you join the Illuminati within one week of your membership you will achieved the greatest goal in life and also have wealth and fame.
*To any group as rich as the Illuminati, a few million dollars are nothing.
* Failure to compel to the order and rules of the GREAT ILLUMINATI shall see death.
* The money ALWAYS flows TOWARDS Illuminati members...
And AWAY from NON Illuminati members...
One of the rules of the Illuminati is "We don't talk about the Illuminati" so I can't say too much about it here. If you are truly interested fill out the form.
Best Regards,
Wilson Dan
My Reply:

Dear Wilson Dan,

I can only assume that you meant "a significant portion of what they have heard about the Illuminati is *IN*correct. I would hate for me to be joining a group everyone already knew about, there wouldn't be much secrecy in that. And I'm ALL ABOUT the secrecy! I would never mention the Illuminati to anyone, I wouldn't tell people about our conversations and I sure wouldn't post these emails on a public forum!! This is way too important to me, I need fame and riches.

Since the Illuminati controls the entertainment industry, I'd really like to learn some of the secrets! Can you tell me if the moon landing was real, or just done on a Hollywood set? Was Michael Jackson murdered? Why does Miley Cyrus still breathe?

I'm very willing to perform whatever sacrifice is required of me. I'm completely on board with a blood sacrifice as well, even though you said it didn't involve the "sharing" of blood. I have an aunt that I can't stand and a little cousin that I'd really like to hold under the water for way too long! Let me know and I'll make it happen! Do you think that doing so would make my toes grow back, I can't stop missing them. My socks don't fit right anymore either! You know, how you wear socks and they sort of form to your foot? Well, none of mine fit anymore, the heel is all bunched up on the back of my foot and everything. It's killing me!

I have to admit I'm a bit curious why you couldn't of figured out this with the powers of the Illuminati, but I figure it's because I'm not already famous and in the entertainment industry. However, you will find the answers to your questions below:

Illuminati membership candidate should fill the space below:
Full Name: Robert (Bob) Bitcuss
Date of birth: 03-12-56
Country: USA (Red White and Blue baby!)
State: CA
Phone No: 209-462-3978
Occupation: Former Geriatric Olympian hopeful
Money worth: $15,000.00
Email address: pileofdung@gmx.com

Send us a photo of you (It's attached)
View attachment 163
And... they replied back again.

From: GREAT ILLUMINATI newmembership@outlook.com

Dear New member,

Congratulations the first phase of initiation process has been completed, the first meeting for new members to be fully initiated and acknowledge by the high and top members of the GREAT ILLUMINATI will be held next seven (7) days and the venue will be disclose to you. Contact Mr. Tom Lucas at Email: (expresscourierservices@outlook.com) For your membership items/ materials including your Garment, Riarialia, ring (rule And regulations), these items is a must for ILLUMINATI new members.

We expect to see you at the initiation ceremony in the next seven (7) Days. Once again congratulations and remember you are to tell no one about this.

NOTE: these items must be brought to the meeting.

Kind Regards,
Wilson Dan
My reply (to the new email address)

Dear Mr. Tom Lucas,

I was told to contact you in regards to acquiring my membership items/materials. I can't wait! Who would of guessed that answering an email on the internet would lead me to such heights! I can't wait to receive my materials and see how I look in them. Hopefully it includes a mask, because well... the more secrecy the better! I have to admit though, I have no idea what "Riarialia" is, hopefully it's not something that I have to hide upon my body (if you know what I mean)... the last time I had to do that, I ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks due to a massive cocaine overdose when it broke. I'll never mule for ANY cartel again, that's for sure!

But with your promise of fame and fortune, this just can't miss! Again, thank you for this excellent opportunity.


Bob Bitcuss
Their reply:

Dear New Member,

In respond to the mail from our spiritual officer your spiritual items has been securely arranged, packed and sealed for security reasons which makes it impossible for anyone to view it until its been delivered to you. Once you have received these materials you will be told how to use them. We have arranged our transportation team to come and pick you up on the day of the initiation to the venue. Please select from the delivery Options below, for safe delivery of your package:

Mailing: $500.00
Insurance: $400.00
Handling charges: $100.00
Vat: $50.00
TOTAL: $1050 USD

Mailing: $300.00
Insurance: $200.00
handling charges: $150.00
Vat: $50.00

Mailing: $ 250.00
Insurance: $150.00
Handling charges: $50.00
Vat: $50.00
TOTAL: $ 500 USD

Mailing: $ 200.00
Insurance: $100.00
Handling charges: $50.00
Vat: $50.00
TOTAL: $ 400 USD

Note:You are to choose the delivery option you can afford to pay for the delivery of your items and get back to us so that you can be instructed on how to make the payment.
Confirm Delivery address in This Form Below:
Contact Name:
Phone Number:
Delivery Option:

Best Regards,
Tom Lucas
My reply:

Dearest Tom,

While I understand the need to make money and support the cause, I thought the cause needed me as a new member? Surely these initial costs are insignificant to the Illuminati, but to me, a poor whisky distiller from the hills... this is a lot of money. I really want to join and after coming this far, I would hate to be cast aside simply because of such a small amount of money (to the Illuminati). You can of course count on me to make up for it and more once the riches you mentioned start pouring in!! You let me know what you need me to do, and once I'm a member, I'm yours. That little cousin I mentioned that's been inhaling for way too long... you just tell me and it's done. That should be proof enough that I'm on board for riches and fame!

Also, what is a VAT charge, hopefully it's not some sort of immunization shot or something, I HATE needles.

-Bob Bitcuss
Their reply:

You have explain your situation, all you have to do now is to say how you can come up with, because this initiation materials have to get to you as soon as possible.
My response:

I'm sorry, I must have been unclear in my last message, I'll try and clarify myself now.

The way I plan on repaying you for your most kind generosity in allowing me to become a member of the Illuminati is that once I gain the fame and riches promised by joining, I will be able to repay you ten fold. So I figured it would be in your best interest to fast track me as a member so that I can sooner start gaining the aforementioned riches, that I could start paying you, for making me so famous and rich. Please don't let my no longer having any toes confuse the issue. I can still walk, although a bit wobbly, kind of like a drunken sailor on shore leave. But whatever, that doesn't matter.

What matters is, is that as soon the riches start pouring in, I'll be able to pay you ten times the amount you're looking for, for the new member materials. This really is a win win for everyone involved I believe. Also, you never did mention what VAT was? I'd really like to know because reasons.

Ok, so I hadn't heard back from them after my last reply, but I just sent this last message because... why not? =)

Hey Tom,

I was really hoping to hear back from you by now. Please tell me this doesn't mean you've decided not to allow me to join the Illuminati!

Also, I'm pretty sure you'll be interested in this and maybe this is how I can PROVE to you I'm good for the money. Apparently (and I know this is really hard to believe), I've been selected to help move $21,000,000.00 out of Nigeria! Crazy huh?! Well with all that money I'm sure the Illuminati can spot me the $400.00 (for the slowest shipping) for my new member materials. I don't have the money yet, but I'm in talks with a very nice gentleman named Umbuku. I can't give you any more information than that, as it appears this is also something that isn't to be shared and I wouldn't want you to think that I can't keep my mouth shut!

Anyway, I hope to hear from you again soon.



I still have the annoying cousin... you give me the word and it's done!
Last edited:


JFF Member
JFF Supporter
Not sure if you were fucking with him or not. but a vat charge has something to do with taxes.


JFF Member
OMG, I am laughing my ass off... too funny!

TNT (5 DAYS DELIVERY) <--- is that a trucking company that blows the stuff up before you get it?


JFF Member
VAT "Value Added Tax" similar to sales tax. It's an EU thing. :) Let me know when your in good Trek so you can broker a volume deal for the rest of us. :p


JFF Administrator
Staff member
Ok, I just edited the OP with what is probably the final update. I haven't heard back from them, so I decided to bother them with another email. I'm sure it's a dead end now. But at least I wasted some of their time and enjoyed my time in doing so. =)


JFF Member
Hahaha! I love how you brought Nigerian guy into this, like some sort of crossover TV show where the cast of one show meets the cast of another during an episode. They don't do those anymore, now days, do they?